i think i want top surgery

not immediately. not right now. but it wriggles its way into my thoughts every time i pull on a tshirt, every time i look into the mirror, every time i shower. every time i go out bearing the brunt of the mortifying ordeal of being known, being perceived. she's a girl, a woman. i'm more than that, i want to say with every inch of my being. see me as more. see me as not one or another, but as neither. i wish i could get top surgery. i wish i could get top surgery. if only i could get top surgery. 

and then the counterarguments. you won't look like a woman anymore. what if you regret it? what would your ancestors say. removing a part of your body, that was created with stardust and everything in between. what a waste. what will other people think. what will they say. what will they do. 

i guess i'll just have to think about it for a little longer.