THE DARK CORNER

here's where i put all the depressing and nervous things :(

11/13/18 - things i'm currently worried about, in no particular order

1. my grades :( i can't bring them up and i'm too worried to ask anyone for help. 

2. sat stuff :( what if i keep failing and failing and failing over and over again? if i don't do well on this i really won't be able to get into college and live well.

3. my anxiety it's getting out of control!!! :(( my days are consumed by the constant pit in my stomach. 

4. my weight :( sometimes i wish i hadn't stopped swimming, though i know it was the right thing to do. but now it's so difficult to control my weight, and even though i want to have the occasional treat, it's hard to not let it all weigh on me. i blame myself for this. i wish i was stronger so i could be happy with myself. 

5. stuff to put in college applications. i'm not particularly motivated to do anything that i can put on an application and honestly, i'm still trying to figure myself out. doing things outside of school too often is draining for me. i don't think i can change this, which is sad. :(

6. do my friends like me? i wonder if any of them have been upset with me but just pretended that they weren't. maybe it happens more often that i think. 

7. my family. how do you reach out to people? 

8. thinking about my upbringing and realizing that i was brought up much differently that other people. sometimes i want to be different, but now it just feels isolating to not have anything to relate to. i wish i had grown up around other family than just immediate. i wish that i had been taught my second language. i wish my parents were happy with each other. i wish my brother had been treated equally when we were younger. i wish i didn't inherit these traits from my parents and grandparents. it's tiring to see yourself living a little bit like them, when you desperately want to be your own person. i am thankful for everything i have, and i know it's much more than others may have, but it's still hard. i think if my situation had been worse, i would have given up earlier. i wish i could make all these things come true, but it's hard. i'm only one person but it feels like everything is moving so slowly, yet i don't want things to come. i wish things could just be stagnant so i could take more time to experience and think about things.